I am temporarily putting my promised Internet radio treatise on hold in order to take up the cudgel in a battle against the theft of the time honored name, “Happy Hare.”

Maybe it’s just as well that I defer my treatise, as I have only been in it for four weeks.

In my defense, several experts deflected my requests for their counsel, writing that they don’t know much about it either. Radio abhors a vacuum, even the vacuum tube, which was replaced as fast as someone could think up a good substitute, the transistor.

Who feels sufficiently qualified to question my expertise? Raise your hands. Nobody?

I thought so. But, just you watch. Once I write about it, they will flog me publicly for my “lack of understanding” of this Byzantine medium.

Yet, they have a point, so I will table my pique momentarily to get on to the initial purpose of this essay: the widespread use of my name, “Happy Hare.” Actually, it’s been 40+ years since anybody in radio misused it, but now China is moving in on me.

More about them later.

I didn’t think about it when, 57 years ago, I went on the air with that energizing Happy Hare appellation. It took some of the jocks ten years or so to “cover” me, but that was because, in 1955, many of their voices hadn’t yet changed.

It wasn’t just the name “Happy Hare,” that was being purloined then. Some of them went around practicing my patented, well, not exactly patented greeting, “Well, hi there.”

Others began shamelessly calling themselves “Happy Hare” rationalizing that if they were in Dubuque, no one would know. I knew, and because I didn’t protest, I guess they thought I was dead. In retrospect, I should have sent them a “sist and decease” order.

It got worse. Somewhere in the 60’s, some “Rabbits” jumped in, but time proved them to be brilliant jocks on their own who didn’t need the rabbit branding any more than I needed “Happy Hare” when I went to Cleveland and Detroit for eight Hareless years with Specs Howard.

Back to the Chinese, the current source of my alarm. You have doubtless read that they will build $7000 cars in Mexico. The plant will be built in Michoacán, the Michigan of Mexico. Detroit, Michoacán? Ay Caramba!

If they can’t establish dealerships in this country, they will probably sneak the cheap cars across the border with coyote cars in the lead.

What are they going to call these new cheapo cars? The Germans have already stolen the name “The Rabbit.” A prominent Mexican industrialist told me that the Chinese were thinking of naming their car, “The Hare.” Ay Chihuahua!

Why am I jumpy about Chinese intentions? They have already stolen my name in other fields. Larry Shannon, the revered editor of Radio Daily News, researched this and sent me three Chinese links that are blatant Happy Hare steals. Click on ‘em, then tell me I shouldn’t be apprehensive.

http://www.happyhare.cn

or

http://www.creativewomen.com.au/happyhare/index.htm

or

http://stores.ebay.com/Happy-Hare-Antiques-and-Stuff



Hearing about this, friends have sent empathetic notes to me describing how their own time honored names have been purloined.

Chuck Blore sent a sympathy note about my identity problem. He wrote, “Yeah, I know how you feel, Hare. I’m having a helluva time with my nick name. I’m suing a cow for calling her buttocks a ‘Chuck’ roast. Can You imagine?”

Randy Michaels sent a brief note: “Hare, my name appeared to be safe, but in recent years the term “randy” has come to mean something…well….randy.

Time morphs the meaning of innocent words. Think of the public outcry today if Red Ryder were riding the range these days with his child pal, “Little Beaver.” Wouldn’t that be grist for MSNBC’s mill on “To Catch a Predator?” Robert Blake played “Little Beaver.”

Who gave the gays permission to change the meaning of the word, “gay” to describe their life style ?

There is an old 1944 movie starring Diana Lynn and Gail. Russell titled, “Our Hearts were Young and Gay.” Unless there were radical out-takes, when edited, that movie was solely about two gay (happy) straight women, not that there is anything wrong with being both happy, and gay…or either...

You can no longer say, “I am gay,” when you mean that you are happy…. unless of course, you are happy, because you’re gay.

Back to the theft of my name by the Chinese. Who am I going to sue, China? Microsoft and other major brand have tried with little luck to stem the flow of knockoffs on the streets of Shanghais.

No wonder they call the city Shanghai. The Chinese are shanghaiing everything, even Prada hand bags which are made recklessly in China. They don’t care how many Pradas they slaughter to make even one bag.

My experience with China goes back to the time I successfully negotiated with the Chinese Government to send us our first pandas- true story - but, instead of sending them to my home town San Diego Zoo, they shipped the pandas to the Washington Zoo.

I’m a pretty accomplished brander, but one thing I will never do is help China expand their business into this country.

I bought some rebars the other day, then found out they were from China. Taking no chances, I returned them. Chinese rebars contain lead.

XM’s Lee Abrams was no help. Lee has a deep understanding of everything, so I sent him an e-mail requesting his counsel about the theft of my name by the Chinese,. He replied, ”Hare, if you want a shoulder to cry on, pull over to the side of road.”

Everything is going to be “Green,” at least for a while. “Green” is even bigger than Montana…Hannah Montana

Word is that Oprah is going to re-title “The Color Purple” to “The Color Green.”

Oprah has done everything for the Green cause, short of changing her name to Okrah.

My internet show on SignOnRadio.com is flourishing, not just featuring a broad range of music, but exciting call-ins. When the Boston Red Sox won the series, their president Larry Lucchino made one call only, and that was to my show, heard Wednesdays from 1p-3p. If Hannah Montana, someone even bigger than Larry were to call, I would not be surprised. This week, my guests will be the Editorial Page guru of San Diego Union Tribune. Bob Kittle. We all wonder just what goes on in those ivory towers but this is our chance to find out. Tentatively scheduled is one of the brightest minds in the country as it concerns the new pop music, George Varga. I always have surprise callers, maybe even Ms Montana, so gird your loins for another unpredictable show.

By the way, I play a broadest range of music in radio, and make it work. Example: I played The Stone’s “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” back to back with Kenton’s “Intermission Riff.” Well why not?. They blend well. They’re both loud.