My SignOnRadio.com internet radio audience doesn’t belong to any one demographic group such as there are in terrestrial or even satellite radio. I have ‘em all, except probably young males who predictably inhabit their own universe. Of course, if I seriously wanted to snare a young male audience, I would probably have to get bawdy.

Don’t think I haven’t thought about doing the “Keaster Parade,” a contest based on finding who has the best looking keaster, both men and women. The keaster is the nearest to a work of art on the human body. Just ask Michelangelo.

Go to a mall and watch both men and women and how they operate. Men watch a woman as she approaches then, when she passes, their eyes flick downward in silent appreciation.. Women do the same, but their rationale for being keaster watchers is that, on a man, there is nothing else to check out.

Women are stealthier keaster watchers than men You will seldom see a women blatantly checking out a man. They do it as much as men, but women glance at them, then store the information and retrieve it later.

Men stare, and do something stupid like say “Oh Wow!”. Then the women they are with glare and we say, “What? You see, honey? She has large breasts and long legs. Some men consider that attractive, but not me….no sir.”

In doing this broadly listened-to show, I am involved with the fundamentals. There is a generation gap. Just take the simple name "Wayne.” People in their 50's think you're talking about Wayne Newton. The younger ones think it's “Wayne’s World.” Older folks are sure you mean Wayne King.

I receive E-mails while I am on the air and have to come up with spontaneous, amusing answers. Here are examples of the broad range I have to cover.

An E-mail asking me my opinion about the general subject of living together.

This says, Dear Hare, a fine man wants me to live with him for a while to see if we're compatible. What do you think?

I replied….First, I think it’s none of my business but generally, I have a better way to judge compatibility. When you live together, you are often on your best behavior.

Don’t risk the mutual embarrassment of a full commitment. Rent an RV and take a long trip together. That’s the real test of a companion. Lots of trips have started out fine, but halfway through the next day, we're talking human road kill lying on the side of the road here. Yeah, rent an RV and take a trip.

I have learned that I get better results when I answer such questions humorously. My humorous response that a trip with him in an RV is one she can laugh at, without feeling foolish for asking.

Here’s an E-mail from an older listener.

Hare, did you ever hear of Stoopnagle and Bud?

When I reply, I have to make it a generally interesting or even funny answer, even for those who had never heard of Stoopnagle and Bud?

Yes, I know of them. They were on the air in the 30’s and early 40’s. They specialized in crazy off the wall plays on words. They invented words based on other words. For example, Bud talked about a pregnosticator. A pregnosticator is a man who can predict whether you are going to get pregnant….. or an octopuss, you know what that is, don't you? An octo-puss is a man with eight faces.


E-Mail

Hare, what is your least favorite TV show?

I said on the air……

My least favorite show on TV is Fishing. First of all, it always shows them throwing the fish. back. Do you really believe that? But, that isn’t what gets me. It’s that I know what goes into producing a TV show.

The typical show has two guys fishing but, if you see the credits at the end of the show, there are 40 people involved in bringing you these two guys for an hour. They shoot for two days, in order to show them hook two fish. Imagine filming them hour after hour. and neither guy moves. You will even see in the credits at the end that this show had a writer. These writers write lines like, "Uh Oh!. I think I got one. No. He got away.”

Maybe, thirty hours later. “Hey! I got one. Boy! That's a beauty.” Okay, That’s a wrap.

A one liner to energize the show….”Well, here you are taking a roller coaster ride of your life in Hare Land. There’s also Mr. Hare's Wild Ride.”

Social commentary….

I’m sorry ladies. I don’t know why you buy a products called Depends. There may be nothing wrong with the product, but why a name like "Depends?." Better to name them, “Sure Thing." or “Bet On It..”

About the differences between men and women…..

Women are agape over the way men can see a beach or park basketball game going on and just jump in without being invited. Can you imagine a bunch of women.- the “girls”, they call ‘em - at a mall on a shopping trip together? A woman they have never seen before just jumps in and just starts shopping with them…… not likely.

Cross plug, sort of…

Jack Woods (my fellow jock, aka Charlie Brown, at SignOnRadio.com) lives out in the country. He just had strobe headlights installed in his car to make the deer run slower

General bit…

I always wonder about people living till they were 30.several hundred years ago. How did that affect the rest of their lives. Did the chronology speed up, too? Get born, start walking in a month? Start to school at one year old. First date at 8. Graduate high school at ten. College at 11. Go to what became Florida and raise Cain during spring break at 12. Marry at 16. Then, old age at 26. People look at ‘em then and say, “you know he's not bad looking for 26.”


Here’s an E-mail asking ………

Hare, did you actually go to Radio School?

I often give a ridiculous answer which my audience has, over the years, been conditioned to accept without flinching….I reply,

“Yes, I did. but I had a tough time. People in those days didn't have all the fancy gear they have nowadays,

In those days, there was nothing silly like today when you study Radio. I mean, they made me make a microphone from the ground up. The ground up meaning I had to make the mike stand, also. They even made it mandatory that if you were going to study Radio, you had to build an actual radio station. Well, needless to say, I flunked radio. I’m lucky to be here.

I am a junk ball pitcher. No “bits” are the same, although many of them have a coded message. That message, most of the time is,“ Laugh at your self. Take what you do seriously, but never yourself.” I was successful over the years with this simple formula that I have described to you

Now the question becomes, how can I harness the power of the internet more effectively, meaning how do I draw in the audience, armed with their PC’s and ready to click into the show and play, like those guys who jump into the pick up basketball game?

This internet radio medium was practically made for by-play between the host and the audience. In fact, I am going to stop calling them “the audience.” They are co-hosts.

We have reached the point where an imaginative person can participate in the show, and share power with the host. In fact, I intend to empower my listeners in new and exciting ways. No one will lead. It will be a dance between equals.

Maybe I am being overly dramatic about this new era. I have learned that change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It’s been fun speculating with you, but I am not going to stick my neck out too far on this. I live by the 50-50-90 Rule. Anytime there is a 50-50 chance of being right, there is a 90% chance that I’m wrong.