"We're Being Buffaloed"

In a recent re-run of a “Cheers” TV show, Cliff was sitting at the bar, having a beer with Norm, and explained his rationale for drinking beer and lots of it.

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.” Cliff’s premise is funny, but not of the real world.

In the current recession, mass firings are pervasive, but I will focus only on radio, where lay-offs preceded the current national economic debacle by a year or so. Too many good radio people are being buffaloed, not just the slowest but the fleetest.

In the days of the old west, a buffalo hunter would aimlessly aim his 50 caliber rifle at the herd from a distance of a thousand yards, and fire, not toward the rear of the herd, like Norm said, but smack in the middle. Buffalo, by the millions, were eliminated indiscriminately

The buffalo metaphor is apt here because the jocks are dispatched by shots fired impersonally at them long range by corporate executives skulking in the tall grass thousands of miles away.

One more buffalo analogy: When the target buffalo has been felled, he will fall to the ground, to be replaced unceremoniously by the buffalo standing behind him. That surviving buffalo simply occupies the space left by his fallen herd mate, and plods on. with the herd.

Jocks get blown off like that. As Jimmy Durante used to say, “These are the conditions that prevail.”

But enough of this buffalo metaphor, what I call “buffalo s—t” ,or in the language of streets, “B.S.”

Workers in other industries are being slaughtered wholesale, due to outsourcing. One good thing. You displaced jocks will not be replaced by someone in Sri Lanka or India. They talk funny.

Don’t despair. Technology has overtaken those corporate tormentors who did you in, by advancements far exceeding anything they imagined, and you get to ride the new wave.

You need to spend this downtime preparing for a magnificent leap into a new dimension. This is the time for you to renew yourself with greater broadcasting skills. Use this time to prepare, and you will find yourself in demand again.

No longer think of yourself as encased in a cell-like studio, talking to an invisible audience as eloquently as you can but, with little actual feel for where the words wind up. A good Arbitron is nice, but small comfort for the person who wants to make an impact.

Soon, for the first time in history, you will be able do a show that leads your listeners to the advertiser in an unbroken link. This is a heads up to get the jump on the industry, so you will be prepared

Semper Paratus! Always prepared. Take that Coast Guard motto, and post it at your work station.. It should be your creed for the rest of your career.

Being prepared means learning as much as you can about the new technology, as it applies to you.. Don’t be buffaloed. It should be fun.

If you are a listener, Wifi and WIMAX will be the breakthroughs that liberate you from hearing an internet station only on your PC, enabling you to hear it anywhere, including your car.

Just as you don’t have to know how a light goes on when you flick the wall switch, you won’t have to know how Wifi and WIMAX work.. Just be aware that marvels are coming. soon to a car near you.

Breakthroughs are happening with cell phones. Text messaging is a link between you and the advertiser, via the listener/viewer. There will be more paths. Just as you give the phone number three times during a pitch,, you will begin giving them the text message numbers to enable them to contact your advertiser for extra discounts via your website

BTW, Blackberry is beginning to feel the effect of Apple’s intrusion into their text messaging domain. Cell makers are programming startling new features into their units., including swiping. More later.

Commercial pitches will soon require 90 seconds, enabling the station to charge a premium rate for isolated ad-libs. If you are an ad-libber, your income will be more than a virtual reality.

Soon, you will be able to Google with a cell. phone, if not already. Imagine a contest run by you, the host, in which a number of your fans vie for the title “The fastest Google”

Give them a clue which they have to unravel to reach the solution. Award a prize to the player who Googles the answer fastest, a huge discount at a major retailer, or car dealer. It is a tech version of “Jeopardy.”

The client sponsors the contest, and the contestants have to link with the advertiser via your website in order to play.

Soon your listeners will be gamers in a variety of games that result in big rewards, all linked to your advertisers In effect, you will be a game show host, BUT…. This is only one aspect of the new technology. I can hear you protesting “There has to be more to my show than just video games.” By God! You are beginning to get it!

Everything I tell you here can be obsolete by the time you read this. Fine. This is why I want you to jump on this train which is already beginning to roll out of the station.

I haven’t covered the functions of the Website, the heart and soul of this new vista. If you are beginning to squirm because of this. glaring omission, Great!. I love emotional participation.

Here is a good example of a game you could have your listeners play for big prizes. It requires no brains, just good reflexes. Good for those neurons. (click here for the game)

The listener/viewer could play it on the show, then be narrowed down to a few really good players in a client’s show room with a big audience of gamers watching. Big prize for the winner. A good retailer will know how to work the crowd.

Exciting stuff? Just wait. There’s more. Coming soon.

Because of the crises that buffaloes had to overcome in the mid 1800’s, a superior breed has evolved. . Just go to Yellowstone National Park and watch them, Impervious to mankind’s devious ways they are on to us, above it all.

A Good example: A brace of buffaloes were standing peacefully in the middle of a broad expanse of prairie, when off in the distance, a speck speared on the horizon Gradually over the hours, the speck grew until finally, the outline of a rider on his horse could be made out.

Finally, a wizened toothless cowboy drew abreast of the two silent buffaloes, and reined his horse to a whoa.

He regarded the two buffaloes for a long period, spat out a wad of chaw tabbacka, and finally spoke up. “You two are the mangiest lowdowndest ugliest critters I ever seen”.  With that, the old cowboy spurred his horse into a slow lope.

The two buffaloes silently watched him grow smaller in the distance, slowly diffusing into the purple haze.

Finally, one of them spoke. “I do believe,” said one to the other, “that I heard a discouraging word.”

No buffaloes were killed or injured in the writing of this piece

Branding is everything This just out! The Apple logo is by far the most effective trademark in the market. place. It isn’t just a picture of a delicious apple that gets ‘em, but the spiritual feelings it evokes.

Editor’s note: I have always called the plural of buffalo as simply “buffalo” Spell Check says “buffaloes” I never sang, “Give me a home where the buffaloes roam,:” but, I wrote it both ways to be safe.

I have to be careful in writing this. Things get lost in translation, “Don’t get scared. The quilt’s on the way.” is a pale version of the original:” Fear not. The Comforter cometh.”

Thanks to that champion gamer, Randy Michaels, for giving us the sheep game above, which I hope you played.

“You know that look women give when they want sex?: Me neither”……... Steve Martin