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"All right! Who Swiped My Bar Code?"
The 1st DOTCOMmandment reads,.”
Thou shalt Swipe.” Good thing,
Many otherwise moral people
would be flouting it, anyway.
Imagine the possibilities of using your cell phone to swipe bar codes off the pages of newspapers, or any bar code anywhere, enabling you to score bonus discounts. I believe it will go a long way toward connecting consumers in a direct series of hand-offs to the point of sale. See a bargain? Swipe it with your handy cell phone. I will elaborate on this breakthrough in coming weeks. Moving along: I’ve had two shots at major league television stardom, but I faded to black, never to light up the national screen again. The first TV occasion doesn’t count. It was a warm-up for big league opportunities that came later in 1960 and 1983. I was in New York doing mornings at WADO radio, a show that got a lot of good ink. from Billboard. among others... Daily Variety tagged me as the next Johnny Carson. In New York, rave notices, though misplaced, begat opportunities that I could not have anticipated. After the Daily Variety plug, I received an invitation to appear on one of Jerry Lewis’s very first Muscular Dystrophy Telethons on local WNEW-TV. Even then, Jerry attracted major guest stars. He brought them on for a humorous/serious interview, then he would ask them to perform, same as today. On show day, I was escorted to the edge of the set, an obstacle course of cables, cameras and lighting gear.I was told crisply by the floor director that I would be on for a few minutes, visit informally, do an MD pitch with Jerry who then would “thank” me, my cue to bail, ”chased” by the studio band, the kind of kiss off you witness on the Academy Awards shows. Jerry was cocooned in all this maelstrom and seemed to revel in it. I watched him perform hilariously for a few minutes while I waited off the set. This was when he was still the skinny high pitched dork. I had performed little television, doing everything by the seat of my pants, a prophesy as it turned out.. What experience I had was solid gold. I would often appear with Regis Philbin on his San Diego Saturday night television show. There, I learned how to interact with a great talent. In fact, he reacted to me making me look good when I was on, the same Regis that you see now. I was prepped for Jerry. Thanks, Reege. At the WNEW TV Telethon, Al Martino was just winding up a spirited set when the floor director took me by the arm and gently pushed me toward Jerry. This was pre-Ed McMahon. At that time, Del Moore was a perfect foil for Jerry, with no slippage before Ed took his place on the national show. He was a handsome, witty man, having co-starred with Betty White in her first television series , “Life with Elizabeth.” In my intro, Jerry gave me “the build,” far beyond what was realistic. But, this was show biz and I was the “brilliant up and coming WADO radio star, Happy Hare!” On his cue, the band played a few manic bars, and I ran in and sat down opposite Jerry. He began questioning me tentatively, divining which way to go with me. I took the initiative when he asked me how I was doing.. I began to wince. “I almost didn’t make it tonight, Jerry.” He sensed that I was going somewhere and asked with mock concern “:Oh yeah? What happened?” “I had a freak accident.” “Tell us about it.” “A freak fell on me.” Jerry erupted into his patented high nasal cackle “A freak fell on him.” He loved the punch line and was giving it his own Jerry Lewis punch. I was “in.” We talked briefly about MD, enough to let him know that I had done my homework. I finished off with a money pitch, a skill I honed in radio. That done, I expected to get the gentle hook from the floor manager, but Jerry imperiously raised his hand. meaning I could stay, rare on a fast moving show.. During the break, he asked me if I could do any more shtick. I told Jerry to ask me how I prepare for each show day after day. . I replied to his set-up question,. “Jerry, each morning when I get into the control room, I do stretching exercises.” “Oh yeah?” What kind of exercises?” As I spoke, I started to pull my right leg up over my head behind my neck, all the time describing the benefits of mastering this basic “Yoga” exercise.. I pulled my leg further up, then began to struggle and groan, all the while persisting in my tortured description of its benefits to my heart and circulatory system. Then. I finally let go of my twisted leg, which snapped in place behind my neck.. “Jerry, by doing this every day,” I wheezed, “I achieve the highest form of Yoga,. called “Meshugenah.” He roared. at this abrupt use of the Hebrew term. for “crazy.” Jerry raised his hand and began to clap as a signal to the crowd to join in. It was also his cue to the band to take me off with great fanfare. But, I didn’t respond to the “chase” music cue. I was bent almost double, with my butt close to my face. I agonizingly grunted “Help! Help!” The studio was in bedlam.. Jerry was in tears The camera circled around for a close up of my contorted face nudging my butt in time for me to say, “The end is near.” A double meaning for this fateful declaration considering my butt’s proximity to my face, I painfully waited, then said, “Butt,” a double entendre which the audience “got” which sent them further into hysteria. I managed to croak, “I guess I have to face it.” Jerry recognized the pay-off. and began hollering for a doctor while the band “chased” me, still stuck in the chair. Fade to Black. This outrageous encounter led to a relationship between us which endured for years, Jerry came to live in San Diego and knew that I had settled into a successful morning radio show. He was delighted when I called offering to help with his Labor Day weekend MD Telethon, by now, national. Over the years, I performed feats of legitimate, not sham, physical endurance and daring. I raised many dollars for Muscular Dystrophy by: walking Death Valley, swimming across the city through 200 swimming pools, and scaling 10,000 foot Picacho del Diablo. a challenging mountain in Baja.. Preparing for the Death Valley walk, I trained for six weeks under the Charger Strength coach, Maylen. My graduation exercise consisted of straddling a stationery bike in a 120 degree sauna and rapidly cycling 20 mph for 30 minutes. Walking Death Valley was a Rite of Passage. It was a 100 mile trek across the unforgiving desert with temperatures reaching 120 + degrees in the day and over a 100 degrees at night. I was 50 years old then, and had long ago hung up my “jock” strap. It is amazing what the aging body can do when challenged. There is a phrase, “non compos mentis.:” describing the condition when one is vacant mentally When doing shtick, I often go into a “zone,.” not knowing where it is going, but trusting my instincts. I call it “compass mentis,.” Meaning I follow my instincts in the direction they guide me and find the way back. It seems to have worked out. There is a secret part of the body that, if resonated sympathetically, causes even the grumpiest person to cheer up. I knew the secret. Some time ago, I made an appearance at local Grossmont High School to speak to a bunch of seniors. Nothing heavy, just “follow your bliss,” as the late Joseph Campbell espoused. Upon entering the school, my escort introduced me to the principal, a dignified woman in her latter 40’s First it was, “This is Harry Martin.” She smiled and warmly shook my hand. Then, my escort elaborated, “This is Happy Hare.” This same woman began to yip uncontrollably, hopping and up and down, wringing limp wrists, . She had suddenly morphed into the 14 year old she had been when she first heard me Imprints are insidious. “Kings of the Evening,” our Picture Palace Films movie is moving along toward theatrical release, and our collective restless natures have moved us to aim this story toward Broadway as a musical. Simon Levy, a brilliant theatrician, has been commissioned by Producer Robert Page Jones and Director Andrew Jones to adapt it from the movie version Thought for the day from Chuck and Kendall Dunaway OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel. OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel. Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel. Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil! Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel… I like words that play with the language.. Abdicate, losing hope of ever having a flat stomach again. Pokemon, a Rastafarian proctologist Frisbeetarianism, the belief that after death the soul flies up on a roof and gets stuck. Esplanade, to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy Nilly, impotent Clean mind, Clean Body…Take your pick….…….anonymous. |
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e-mail Hare
hare@happyhareonline.com
Hare's Biography |
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Previously ...
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