I  like  to interview people, and reveal them from a different angle. Other more literate folk call it lateral thinking.  Regis Philbin guested with me a few years ago when I subbed for Roger Hedgecock -Limbaugh’s frequent guest host- on his #1 rated talk show at KOGO.

Here is the set-up. In the San Diego area, we have a ravaging bug  called a Medfly. that eats fruit and destroys entire crops. During a Medfly infestation I asked  my listeners to call me with any personal  problem, and that I would solve it. Regis was a “plant” and called from New York, using a disguised voice. 

Regis:               Is this Happy Hare?

Hare                 Yes

Regis                I heard you say that you could solve any problem. Is that any  problem?

Hare:                Yeah. What’s happening?

Regis                Well, I was in my garden when I seen this MEDfly, Happy Hare and she’s…..pregnant. She’s so cute.  I even gave her a name. Say hello, Bertha.

Bertha              (SFX like a  small fart)

Hare                 Hello Bertha                                                                            

Regis:             You gotta help me, Happy Hare

Hare:                Well I don’t think I ever solved a pregnant medfly problem before. Is she in pain?

Regis:               No, I gave her some MEDiprin. But, I don’t know what to do about her.

                        And when the neighbors heard about her, they started to demand that I swat her.  But, she’s a mother and all.  I don’t know what to do.

Hare:                She sounds depressed. I think She needs to get away. Give her a  trip. I know. Call Club MED.

Regis                (Indignant) That’s not funny.

Bertha              (SFX)

Hare:                I’m sorry, but I don’t have  any idea about what to do for a  pregnant MEDfly.

Regis                I thought maybe you could give me the name of someone who could help deliver her baby.

Hare:                I never heard of anyone who could deliver Medfly babies.

Regis:               I think they call ‘em MEDwives.

Bertha              Disgusted bug SFX  fart sound)

Hare:                Wait a minute. Something’s wrong here….. NOW, I recognize that voice. It’s Regis Philbin …Regis!  (Do short interview with Regis)…………           

Okay…that was easy. That bit was scripted, unlike 99.99% of the others during a long varied career. In Cleveland, on a Saturday evening, I reluctantly  interviewed Malcolm X, the fiery black Muslim torchbearer. I had just finished interviewing the great and witty voice man, Ernie Anderson, who immortalized those deathless words, “The LUV Boat.” Feeling upbeat after Ernie, I brought on Malcolm X with as much good will as I could muster, despite considering him a chiasmic dividing force. The choreography involving his visit was my first indicator of the way things would go.

I had allowed myself to exhale for a moment when the door of the studio burst open and two menacing giants jumped in, their eyes darting back and forth to all the corners and crannies of the studio. Then, with no notice of me, one of them opened the door and motioned the all-clear to my guest who strode in smiling with his hand extended.

He was not the scowling red headed trash talking man we all saw in the media. His voice was soft and gentle. ” Harry!” He said, “Can I call you Harry?” Without waiting for my reply, he coiled his lean frame into the chair in front of me and took over. “Now, Harry, When we get into the interview, I will say some things that you might deem harsh. For example, when I say you are a devil, I don’t mean you personally,. I mean you as the symbol of all the white devils..” OK?” What the hell! Like a good sport, I nodded a conspiratorial yes.

Opening up, I tried generalities to lighten him up. Where was he born? Where has he spoken?  What kind of reaction is he getting?

            He exploded in my face.” I didn’t come here for small talk, and I don’t know why I am wasting my time here. You are white and the devil is in you.”

I let him rant until my inner radio red light lit up, telling me that he had been on waaay too long. I talked over him and broke his rhythm by telling him that yes, there are some of us who are devils and some who are angels. Most of us are in between, just trying to get along, two or three pay checks away from the streets.

I told him that his years in prison had embittered him, but that the longer he rubs up against average whites, getting to know them better, I was sure he would not be so bitter toward them as a whole.

He started to launch into another tirade but I thanked him and put the chop on him by bill boarding my next segment and cutting for a break. He actually arose from his chair  smiling ,  thanked me sincerely and left, leaving a chaotic wake.

            Praise be to Allah that my next segment featured Soupy Sales.

            I wish I had interviewed him only a few months later. Shortly after his time with me, he made his Hajj pilgrimage to Mecca where he met and exchanged views with Muslims of all colors including white blondes with blue eyes. This brought about a profound epiphany. He soon droppedhis Nation of Islam handle, Malcolm X, and adopted the mainstream  Islamic name, El-Hajj Malik Al Shabazz.

            His Nation of Islam leader, Elijah Muhammad, couldn’t tolerate the taming of his attack dog, Malcolm. He was assassinated  in February  ’65. 

 I was doing mornings at Bartell-owned station WADO in New York City,. enjoying the perks of a major market jock. This included an invitation to a dinner and cocktail party honoring Eddie Fisher at Danny’s Hideaway. in downtown Manhattan. The menu had no prices. If you had to ask how much, get out..

            Eddie hadn’t arrived when I got there,. but the place was jammed with jocks whose names I recognized as giants: William B Williams, Martin Block, and Klavan and Finch from WNEW. Peter Tripp who had just been indicted for lying about payola.. Alan Freed, the most notorious of them all, had hung a placard around his neck reading, “I take payola..” In New York, there was no law against taking payola but those who lied about it were charged with perjury The Manhattan D.A. had just swooped down on a lot of  the jocks who were there that night , struggling to take comfort in their numbers.

It was a broad sweep. On my first week at WADO, a man from the D.A.’s.office came to the station and asked me under oath if I had taken money. I replied with a straight face, “No. In fact I’m new here and I didn’t know I could get paid for playing records. I am so honored to be here in New York playing  songs by Perry Como and Eddie Fisher and the other artists  that I would gladly pay them.”  He  laughed, closed his briefcase, and left.

The after dinner drinks at Danny’s Hideaway were flowing when Eddie arrived. I had never seen him before but he appeared peaked, and ducked without fanfare to a corner when he entered the room. None of the jaded Manhattan jocks seemed to notice or care.  They were there for the free food and booze.

I allowed a decent time to pass, then approached Eddie with my tape machine.. He forced a smile, but then saw that I was going to tape him and waved me off. “No. Please. No interviews. Just enjoy yourself”.

“Okay, I said, but I want you to know that it is a pleasure to meet you.”

“Why?” he replied,  looking at me though black rimmed eyes..

“Because,” I said, sincerely, “I admire your singing.”

Then, Bonus! Bonus! His wife, Liz Taylor, wrapped in a floor length mink, swept in with a phalanx of handlers. Powerful Manhattan jocks, vying to be #1 (echo chamber  effect one ONEoneoneone) with a bullet, raced each other to her side to be the first to  grasp her outstretched hand..

I was a little different. I passively stood in line awaiting my turn. It was worth it. She held my hand firmly as I gazed into her violet eyes, and actually thanked me for coming.. Like I needed gratitude

She patiently worked the entire room, then her handlers discreetly escorted her  away.. Eddie, who had lost the crowd long ago, slipped out a side door.

A day or so later, I  found out what was eating  Eddie. Cleopatra had told him just before the party that she was dumping him for Marc Antony. 

     Happy Hare  One-Liners….without apology. 

Football is in the air……….. which makes it very difficult to breathe. 

What’s sis boom bah?……That’s when a sheep eats a stick of dynamite. 

What do you call it when you lure a young female elephant to your apartment for illicit purposes?………A two and a half ton pickup. 

Man found dead in a bath tub full of milk with a banana stuck in his mouth.
Police are looking a cereal killer.