The biggest sucker for a sales pitch is a salesman, the same with radio tricksters.  Although I have often been the backfiring butt of jokes in this series, one of the biggest “gotchas” was  laid on me by my sincere straight-arrow wife, Carol. I show you her picture in this issue then ask you, “Would you trust this woman?” For myself, the answer has been “yes” for forty years, until…

I was hosting 86 listeners aboard the Holland America Ship, Vandaam, on an Alaska trip a few years back when Carol told me that there was a woman on board who lives on cruise liners, going from oneport to another, from ship to ship, year in and year out. I am always looking for something different to spring on my guests at our Happy Hare cruise parties, so I asked Carol to make sure this woman was invited .

When I cruise, the Cruise company always throws a festive party for me and my guests. The captain was there with some hand-picked fun loving crew members. The drinks were flowing, the piano was tinkling and there was the manic chatter of happy people wafting throughout  the lounge. I had long ago learned to draw out my listeners. Everyone has a story, but this trip was especially rich in stories of past glory..

One Hare listener had led the Aerospace Museum crew that built a flyable replica of the “Spirit of St Louis,” Lindbergh’s legendary plane that crossed the Atlantic in 1927.

Another had helped crack the Japanese Navy code in WW2.and later wrote (in Japanese) the  surrender treaty signed by the Japanese Prime Minister aboard the Battleship Missouri. Well into his 80’s, he was still a force: tall, muscular with his original black hair, a national treasure shepherded by his worshipful wife who preceded him every step of his way making sure he had everything perfect by the time he took the next step. She reminded me of those busy people whisking brooms in front of the Curling stones.  

Carol had preceded my every step, and found this fascinating woman for the party.  Carol was good at opening up people, mining a lode of living gems for me. About an hour into the party,  Carol appeared with her lustrous smile at the door of the lounge , waved to me, then pushed our guest through the door in a wheel chair.

Our guest star  was expensively dressed and smartly coiffed,  a radiant lady who made you forget the chair.

Okay, time to go on with a few one-liners before bringing her on.

My listeners knew most of my jokes, but never seemed to tire of my unabashed delivery of them. I keep reading that one- liners in radio are passé, but not with this bunch. It was laugh time. The secret of one-liners: don’t apologize.

“Hi everybody”….I would launch right into them with no preamble which automatically drew laughter.

“So this jumper cable walked into a bar and the bartender said, Okay you can come in but don’t start anything.”  Laugh laugh, laugh!

“What do you call fish without an eye?  A fsh”.     Laugh laugh laugh

 “Two can live as well as one, but only half as long.” 

I picked up a buffalo wing from the hors d’eouvre tray and said, “Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?” 

“I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” 

An audience “plant” got up and said, “Hare I’ve been listening to you for years and I can’t  figure you out. Are you ignorant…or just plain apathetic?”

I answer, ”I don’t know…and I don’t care.” 

Another “plant”  called out from the door. “Hare, the invisible man is here to see you.”

I replied,  greatly irritated , “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.” 

I pointed out a listener, "Eddie over there  asked me how  many jokes I know. Oh, I don’t know, a millionb…… millionb. That’s a million with a B.” 

I singled out the Captain for applause, “Captain Olaf. What a great man. He not only runs the ship, but last night I ordered  a deck of cards from Room Service, and he delivered them personally,….. made 52 trips.”

“Sally Edwards is here. She goes on all our trips.. Let’s hear it for Sally. (Applause applause)  Sally works at the Bank of America downtown.  She is a fine woman only (confidential tone) never say anything to her that you don’t want repeated…she’s a Teller.”

‘There is Charlie Hudson  over there with Edna. Charlie owns a horse ranch in Lakeside..(a two second beat)  Am I wrong, or shouldn’t men ride horses side saddle?”  Laugh laugh.

I see that Benny Jones has come in from Ramona to be with us,. Benny is a very successful song writer. Maybe you remember those great hits that Benny wrote..

Herman and Hermits recorded, “ Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a lovely  Walker.

Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman. Hear me Snore,”

Ringo Starr’s “I Get Along With a Little Help from Depends.”

Paul Simon’s “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.” 

I always threw in boomer jokes. 

Such as:  ”Remember  A watched pot…. is never smoked.” 

I will tell a longer story with me as the fall guy, geared toward the older audience.

“I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and a ton of  lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.  I was a little concerned about that word ‘fairly’, I couldn't resist asking him, "So, do you think I'll live to be 90?" 

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"  "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." 

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"  I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy." 

 "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. 

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" 

 "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."  

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a  damn?"  

By now the audience was worked up into a frenzy of adoration for me, but I exaggerate.

I motioned Carol to bring the our guest  to the mike. She was elderly, but gorgeous  with violet eyes, raven hair, and skin like porcelain.. Her legs were covered by a blanket and I couldn’t help wondering what had happened to her.

Secure that she was up for it, I brought her on.

After a few pleasantries, I asked her the obvious question. “A lifetime of cruising. How can you afford it?  Are you a rich lady?”

“Mercy no,” she said laughing.” It’s so simple. The average cost to live in a retirement home is $200.00 a day. On Holland America, I can get a long term and senior discount rate of $135.00 a day“ Gratuities can be $10,00 a day,” she adds..

            I start to mumble a “yeah but,”  …..…

She plows on” I can get as many as ten free meals a day or room service, and breakfast in bed every day of the week.”

“Yeah but,” I say….

 She plows on. “The Vandam  has three swimming pools, free washers and dryers and shows every night.”

She’s on a roll.  I give up and let her go. “I get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days. Clean sheets and towels every day…all free.

It’s dawning on me that this is a shtick. I start to break in, but she smiles, her eyes twinkling. “And finally….If I fall and break a hip. Holland America will upgrade me for the rest of my  life  and pay my medical, and when I die they can throw me over….”

            I stomped on her punch line, and blurted out, “All right I’ve finally  got it This is a jo…”……

“overboard,”  She giggled, insistent on paying it off.

I didn’t get to finish my punch line stomp. Carol was waiting for that split second when the gag had gone far enough., and. gave the crowd a subtle signal, cuing  them to shout in unison at the top of their lungs. “GOTCHA!”

Not just my unruly mob of listeners yelled at me, but the crew members who had been in on this…….”gotcha..” One of my major features on the radio show was the Happy Hare “Gotcha.”  And now I was snared in my own…..”gotcha.”

That wasn’t the end of it. The lady had done such a great acting job that I was blown over when Tommy Dorsey’s abandoned  arrangement  of  “Well Git It.” filled the room, and she threw off her blanket, sprang from her chair on a pair of long shapely legs, grabbed my hand  and broke into a wild  kicking dance in which she almost jerked my arm off. Turns out she had been a Broadway hoofer. 

I know what you’re thinking. How could Hare have been hooked by that old gag?  It wasn’t old several years ago. I am sure that it was invented on our trip by the gentleman who wrote the Japanese Surrender Treaty. Carol was sitting by him and his wife when he began to conjure up what had begun as a mental exercise: how it was cheaper to cruise than to go to a retirement home. She had witnessed a brilliant mind toying with a creative mathematical premise, then realized that it was perfect for a Happy Hare ship board  party “Gotcha.” Her own analytical, but insidious  mind, was the one that adapted it to the “Lady in the Wheelchair Gambit.” I often did the gag on the air later, without the lady/wheelchair embellishment.  

 In  the original  “Happy Hare Gotcha” done on the air, ”I  would purposely make a misstatement about a song or a fact that everyone should know.

Instead of back-announcing Jo Stafford’s  “Shrimp Boats Are Coming,” I would lie, ”That was Harry James singing, “ Shrimp Boats Are Coming..”

 Within seconds, my lines would light up  and I would randomly pick up one and  usually give the caller a theater ticket or a meal at a good restaurant whether they were right or not. I didn’t have the heart to turn anyone down on a prize

Few things were off limits, if done in the spirit of fun. I even ran a few days with a feature I called “Prostates on Parade,” complete with a produced musical bed in which I  extolled raw pumpkin seeds as a way to shrink prostates. No one complained, and I got many positive responses. In fact, one man  called and sobbed, “God Bless you, Happy Hare. Raw pumpkin seeds have shrunk my prostate when nothing else did. You have given me a new life.” It is true about raw pumpkin seeds, incidentally.  

Nothing was sacred. And yet, everything was, and I can’t explain what I just told you. 

We are on a giant spinning thing, and

people are afraid of  falling off  the  edge.

I bring them to the center where it is safe. 

The Radio/Television Broadcasters Hall of Fame of Ohio has voted to induct me into the Hall of Fame this October. My  Cleveland and Detroit partner and lifelong friend, Specs Howard, an Orthodox Jew, can’t go with me to be honored, because October 8^th  is on one of the High Holy Days.

How he and I meshed into a successful team is a cosmic/comic mystery. There is a television sitcom there somewhere.

Specs has often been hamstrung from being with me on conflicting religious occasions, Although, I shouldn’t put it that way. The word  “hamstrung” is not Kosher.