I am told that the sincerest form of flattery is when somebody in a mental hospital thinks he is you. Napoleon, Einstein, Gandhi or the Dalai Lama spring to mind when you conjure up the historic figures who have been immortalized by this aberration. If you’re a woman, maybe you think you are Mother Teresa, unless you are a man who is a cross dresser. But I veer. A man at Patton State Hospital, the state sanitarium absolutely was me. Not thought he was me. He was me…he thought.

Upon my return from New York, letters of thanksgiving filled the mail room. Happy Hare was back. Yippee!

One of the hundreds of letters stood out in the pile. The envelope bore the official insignia of Patton State Mental Hospital.

I sensed impending shtick. So, imagine the shakiness of my fingers as I meticulously opened the envelope, nay, actually tore it open. It was even better than I could have imagined.

“Dear Mr. Hare,” it read….well, let me summarize. It was from the head shrink at Patton and he wrote that there was a man who suffered the delusion that he was me. I was incredulous. Him me?.

The letter went on. He said they wanted to treat the man in such a way that veneer by psychic veneer, the delusion would be .removed to the point where they would actually have me go to Patton and confront him, so he could see that I am me and he wasn’t.

Of course, being a suspicious type, it occurred to me that this might be some elaborate ploy to lure me to Patton, then slam the door.

Nah, that couldn’t be. I was a functional nut, so I decided that this was legitimate, and that I would help. More later.

If you will harken back to last week’s perplexing episode, I had returned from a stimulating stint at WADO in New York City. with those legendary jocks, Ken Garland and Mort Crowley, and yes, even Ben Shirley, the furious news man, whom I ragged Lee Bartell into sending to New York with me.

The Bartells had made a rare misstep in buying WADO, a six day operation It had been their strategy to buy WADO, then buy WHBI in Trenton, a one day religions license, and paste them together to make one big killer seven day operation.

Timing is usually everything, but sometimes not. The gentleman who owned WHBI expired during the negotiations and his young wife decided to keep the station.

WADO had been the talk of the trade. Billboard dubbed us an exciting new station and we were making headway despite the six day handicap. But, the Bartells pulled the plug, and we all fanned out.

I returned to San Diego ready to do KCBQ mornings again, then things happened …

I knew I was going to leave San Diego, but promised myself that I would help KCBQ regain its dominance in the market while deciding where to go.. Not too much time, because these opportunities weren’t open-ended.

Then, the unexpected …

I had just finished my KCBQ morning show when I received a call from Mort Hall, the owner of KLAC. “Harry,” he said, “I have followed your successes, and. I want you for mornings here.”

Let’s get it straight. They had turned me down when I returned from the army to reclaim my gig. Change of ownership got them off the hook legally. I decided immediately that I wasn’t going to KLAC, but was fascinated with going there to hear their rap.

I did my show, drove to Hollywood, walked into the KLAC lobby and was ushered with dispatch, like he wanted to hide me, into owner Mort Hall’s presence. He was on the phone and waved for me to take a seat When he hung up, he stayed where he was sitting, behind his formidable desk. There was none of that coming-out–from-behind-his-desk-and sitting-on-the-couch-with-me- like- we’re- equals choreography.

He was a solemn, dark complexioned man, basically handsome, with one crazy eye,. not that there was anything wrong with being wall-eyed, but it was disconcerting trying to maintain eye contact.

There was the usual handshake, a short friendly exchange then, “Harry, like I said, I want you to do mornings and to start as soon as you can,.”

I pretended to treat it with serious consideration, thanked him with great Hollywood sincerity, told him I would get back to him, and backed out of the room with a vapid smile.

My serious consideration lasted till San Pedro. I got out of the car, walked to a phone booth, called him and told him I was going to Cleveland. Yeah, I know it sounds like a Cleveland joke.

He certainly thought I was kidding. “Cleveland!” He repeated the word derisively, hoping that saying it out loud would shock me into realizing how ridiculous that sounded..

“Yes,” I said. firmly. “Cleveland” for basically the same reason, only on a different scale, that saying the word would make him realize the low priority that I gave his offer.

It wasn’t all pettiness on my part. I had listened to KLAC and done some homework on its operation and taken it off my short list. A short time later, the station flopped. Actually, my list was short to start with..

The final irony: the G.M. who had shut the door on me at the old KLAC when I returned from the army was the same man, now a consultant, who had recommended me five years later to Mort Hall in the new KLAC. What can I tell you? It’s radio.

A few days later, I heard from WNEW in New York who sent word that they had listened to me while at WADO, and wanted me. The telegram they sent asking me to come was the stuff of fantasy. John Dale, the Supervisor of Announcers at WNEW had sent me a dazzling telegram.

In November 1960, He wrote,”It is my honest belief that you are inherently one of the greatest potentials I have ever heard. I insist that one of these days you will be worth your weight in platinum to this or some other New York radio station and I sincerely hope that it will be this one.”

Pinky Herman, columnist for the Motion Picture Daily, wrote about me in July , 1959 , “We’ve heard him several times and he is a natural for a coast to coast build up. He is a rare combination of Garroway, Godfrey and Garry Moore.”

The pressure was on. The bandwagon was under way and I had to jump on it.

The Director at Patton Mental hospital took some of the pressure off of me when he wrote that his patient was now persuaded that he was not Happy Hare after all. He thanked me and invited me to come visit any time.

Happy Hare say

Stuff I have actually used on the air

Coca Cola was originally green.

People don’t know they’re ugly. I went to a party the other night and a chum said, “Look at that girl over there. She’s a dog.” I said, “So are you. Go over there and introduce yourself. Only don’t have any kids.”

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented.

It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…… Ladies Forbidden,”

That’s how the word “Golf” was entered into the language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on national TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

Humans and Dolphins are the only creatures who have sex for pleasure.

What about that pig?

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

Tomorrow is a mystery

Yesterday is history

Today is a gift

That’s why we call it “the present.”