Hare!…Music?…News?… Newsic? 

In a recent appearance before a thousand Chicanos, I was asked to state my  stand regarding  * “The Immigration. Problem,” Of course, my questioner was a “plant.”  

I said,

“Immigration problem! What immigration  problem? Here’s what to do.

Build the 2,000 mile long wall running from California to Texas and…get this…. do it with….. illegal Mexican labor.

Oh! One last  thing: Make sure they finish the wall on the Mexican side.” 

Did they break out the Mexican flags  and storm the stage?  Nah!. By now, these folks, many of whom I raised, know that I like to kid. And…I knew my audience. They have  pride in their heritage, but most of them, if they like and trust you, will tell you  they don’t want people from Mexico coming over and stealing their jobs for less money. They are mostly boomers who speak perfect mid-western English, and look at you funny if you imply that they are any less American than Anglos.

To smooth any dented feelings, all it took was for me to spout a little native accented Spanish, a coded message that I was, at heart, simpatico.  

            I chided them at that same fiesta about the name Chicano. “Lose it!” I ranted, “Chicano” sounds like something you would order at a Mexican drive-in.  I’ll take two tacos, an enchilada and a Chicano, por favor.”

            Of course, being simpatico may not work with all cultures.

I wouldn’t kid about the Prophet Mohammed, even if I spoke native accented Arabic. 

Moving on……….

            I have received E-mails from serious programmers asking me to expound a little on  the good  old days, and how I made those archaic formats work.

Okay, but just this once.

            First, I absolutely refused to cluster commercials. People who hired me simply handed me a log and a commercial book, and turned me loose.

            In the latter 60’s and early 70’s when I had returned from Detroit and was now doing mornings at KCBQ in San Diego, I usually played  three songs coming out of the top of the hour before running a commercial. Then,. I would single-spot in the first slot., usually a 90 second or even a  two minute live adlib, and encourage Sales to charge a heavy premium rate for it.

But, why leave you hanging?.

Here is the clock, designed for the Sales reps to pitch it as…

.                 HAPPY HARE’S M &M CLOCK*

  Never more than 2 minutes away from Music.

                Or more than 7 and a half minutes away from Money            

 

0000 - 0200  6a-7a-8a  TOP OF THE HOUR  HEADLINES, TRAFFIC AND WEATHER

0200 - 0300                 1 Premium Priced  60 or Live Adlib 

                                                MUSIC

0300 – 1030                                                                3 Songs

1030 – 1230                1 or 2 60’s or a Live Adlib 

1230 – 1800                                                                2 Songs

 

1800 - 2000                 1 or 2 60’s or Live Adlib 

2000 – 2730                                                                3 Songs 

2730 – 2930                1 or 2 60’s or Live Adlib  

2930 -  3500                                                                 2 Songs  

3500 – 3700                1 or 2 60’s or Live Adlib 

3700 – 4230                                                                 2 Songs 

4230 – 4430                1 or 2 60’s or Live Adlib 

4430 –5200                                                                  3  Songs 

5200 – 5400                1 or 2 60’s or Live Adlib 

5400 - 6000                                                                  2 Songs and Bumper

          -------------------------------------------------------

                                    7  Commercial slots           17  SONGS

                                        (Up to 13 commercial minutes)  

*Each 2 x 60’s slot can be  replaced by  a single premium rated  60 at more than the 2 x 60’s rate or

  Each 2 x 60s slot can be replaced by a Live 90 second Adlib at more than the 2 x 60’s rate.                                           

                                * Money & Music   

Major ad agency people have told me that, today, they would pay double for an isolated live adlib or even an isolated canned 60. They openly tell me this, because they know I am not trying to sell them anything.

            One agency principal, a Howard Stern fan, told me that he listened to Howard when the show was terrestrial; but tuned him out when the spot clusters came on. He had an inner clock that told him when the five minute intermission was over, then he would return to the show. The most telling thing he told me was he never bought Howard. He figured if he was tuning out Howard, others were, also.

He’s right.                                                                                                                                Many listeners tune out the stop sets, then return. 

About my live adlibs: I would open up with a  disarming 30 or 40 second anecdote. Nothing  obviously connected with what I was leading into, then seamlessly segue into the 60 second  “sell.”.

I usually spoke in parables. Hey! Don’t laugh. The greatest man in history often spoke in parables.

                                      One parable comes to mind.

My wife, Carol and I had just returned from a vacation in Hawaii, and I was bursting to tell my listeners about it. Here is how I remember it from years ago.. 

Hare adlib:

“Last week, Carol and I  were on my nephew Jon’s 35 foot boat, off the coast of Hawaii, the big island. Jon was busy putting on his wet suit before diving  for Onos and Wahoos  when we spotted a Humpback whale..

. They are majestic creatures, often coming alongside boats for a better look at their puny human co-inhabitants. It is a peaceful look, but you wonder what he is really thinking.

This giant, not content to be a casual passerby, abruptly headed toward us from a couple of hundred feet away.

 I was handling the boat and started to push the throttle forward to get out of the way, but Jon, curious to see what the whale was up to, said quietly, “No. Wait!.”.

The whale, a good 80 or 90 feet long, quickly  closed the distance between us, his tail pumping, with his 25 foot wide pectoral fins in  full array. The pectorals, used for maneuvering, sprout from their sides like tapering modern sculptures, so efficient that a Humpback can turn within its own length, and brake immediately.

Now, the giant Humpback was fifty feet away and heading fast  ….wait a minute….  not toward  us, but toward…a beer can floating alongside our boat.

Within a few feet of the beer can, he folded his left pectoral fin tightly against his body, to avoid mangling the can. Then, after he had glided past it, he re-deployed his fin to its full array.

Now, a few feet in front of the boat, he eyed us for a moment, then swerving  away,  plunged head first into the water about twenty feet down, leaving 60 or 70 feet of his body to do what I swear was his version of mooning us 

Finally, with a mighty tail splash, he launched a tsunami against our sturdy boat. Luckily, we were facing toward him, or he would have swamped us. I sincerely believe that he was shaming us about the beer can.  

Jon jumped in, grabbed it and angrily flung it onto our deck” 

Looking back to my ad-lib about this: I likened the delicate way the huge whale treated the fragile beer can to my giant dry cleaning sponsor’s gentle way of treating my listeners’ delicate undies..

I avoided saying, ”They do a whale of a job on your negligee.” 

Over the years, I gradually learned what worked for me, like that clock. I never did more than three adlibs an hour and often talked about health , travel, and anything that I figured was a “grabber, and of course, lots of funny human stuff.”

I call the format, “The Newsic Format.” and believe it will be a template for a music/talk show one of these days.

Chuck Blore told me recently that you can talk as long as you want in a music show as long as you are interesting.

My one rule: I never started anything without pre-planning a good  pay-off, As you can see in the above clock, I played a lot of music.

If you are a good talker, consider the clock. It’s yours. 

Gird your loins for next week’s barn burner. 

*My true sentiments regarding the Mexican mess can be found at

 www.JohnRook.com  in the Red Panel..