"Old Jocks Never Die. They Just Cross-Fade Away" 

I receive E-mails from present day radio executives asking me if I thought I could duplicate my historic successes if I went back on the air. What they are really saying is, “Okay smart ass, tell us what you would do in today’s chaotic radio…..if anything.”. I can’t answer that one. Most of what I did involved a lot of serendipity. Besides, if I returned to the air, I would want to talk. That is the path taken by many former music jocks. Old music jocks never die, they just cross-fade away…to talk.

If I re-entered today’s chaotic radio, what would I do? I would begin by banishing the word, “Terrorist.” You hear it all the time in the general media. Calling them “terrorists” is saying to them, “I give you the power to terrorize me.”

Terror lurks much deeper than fear. When you are paralyzed with fear, that’s bad enough, but when you are terrified, that terror penetrates to the cellular level. 

True terror causes you to lose bowel and bladder control.

So, why do the media use that word? I suspect that it is to sell newspapers and boost TV and radio ratings. If they tease you with that word, “terrorists” before going into a break they are trying to hang you up till they return after a five minute break. 

TV Anchor or radio host: “Is there a terrorist lurking in your closet?

                                         The answer  after  we break for commercials,” 

Terrorists first cropped up in France during the French Revolution. Their gig was to spread terror.

French soldiers during Napoleon’s era wore dark brown pants, muckledy dun, to disguise their paroxysms of terror.

Terror wasn’t solely a French concern. The British in the 1700’s wore red coats, not to make a fashion statement, but to mask the musket ball wounds that bloodied their bodies, and avoid spreading terror in the ranks...  

Now, to define some terms…..

The first thing to know is that extreme Islamics, the ones who blow up cars, trucks, and a lot of people,  while lopping off heads are “Islamists,” not Islamics.

 Repeat after me. Islamists, not Islamics, are the bad guys.

 Saddam Hussein was a Sunni Muslim, hell-bent on terrorizing or killing all. Shiites. He created the buffer between the world and Iran a Shiite state, and now he is out of the picture.

Shiite Islamists with Iran’s support, made an explosive wild-eyed resurgence when we overthrew Saddam. Hard to believe, but more people are being killed by Islamists now than were murdered under Saddam,

We can’t  simply call these terrorists Shiites because that would alienate a large number of peaceful  Islamic Shiites.  What do we call the bad guys? I have the perfect word.

Americans like to shorten words. In the case of the Islamists, let’s take an “i” out of  the word Shiite. What do you get?  “Shite,.” the ancient Irish word for “shit.”.

So, from now on, Shiites Islamists are to be called “Shites.” Serves them right.

Of course, the core Shiite Islamics get to keep their name: Shiites.  

That settled, let’s go to the Mid-east and the war between Israel, and those two Islamist groups, Hezbollah and Hamas.  They hate the Israelis .Lets have some fun at their expense instead of calling them that bowel loosening name, “terrorists”.

Let’s combine the two words “Israel” and “Islamists. 

From now on, they are “Israelamists.”  

Can you envision a more fitting  fate for Islamists  that want to banish Israel?

   Israelamists.           

I like to invent words. Especially substitutes for dirty words. Dirty words are most decent peoples’ favorite words but for some reason we are forbidden by the FCC to use them, even adult-oriented radio can’t use them. So is there a way around this? Sure..

Doubling back, I don’t understand why the word “shit”  is forbidden. Its origin was in the old sailing days when clipper ships would blow up when carrying  poorly stored animal dung, fertilizer. Fertilizer was mainly nitrogen, a highly explosive chemical. As late as 1947, Texas City exploded, killing hundreds because no one knew how to store the stuff. in the cargo ship holds.

The word  “shit” originated when the shipping companies, out of desperation, posted instructions on the holds of the ships. “Store High in Transit.” They finally abbreviated it as “S.H.I.T.

Read my chapter on this in the episode titled, “Happy Hare-Out of the Ashes.” I was in Texas City that day. 

Now for the hard part….the “F” word. If you are comfortable on the air with using the term, “The F word” as a substitute for the actual word, fine.

The real reason people cuss is because dirty words give them a way to let off steam, to explode  with  hard consonants, or expletives... Those words “shit” and that other word, the “F” one, begin and end with  explosive consonants: “S---T!”    “F---K!”. With the hard consonants, you give vent  to a  soul full of  frustration or anger. The actual words themselves are merely incidental.  

The F word is often expressed  in polite circles as “What thuf---!” We often  explode the  “F” without saying the full word. It comes out “What  thuf.”

             Are we trying to tell ourselves something?

Eureka! We’ve unwittingly invented  a new word: ”Thuf”… Try it out.  Say, “What thuf!”  I think that takes care of your need to explode. Am I onto something? 

I love the language, even coon-ass English spoken in Louisiana or the English spoken in various parts of the country. West Virginia, Tennessee, West Texas.

A chum of mine, starting out in radio, landed his first gig in a little radio station  in the Texas panhandle. He is a glib Texas boy who  could handle  most anything, but  not what confronted him his first week.

The station was a small building, in the shadow of a towering antenna. with nothing but miles of  trackless flat land stretching away from it. in all directions.

He was doing a country music show, what else, when there was a harsh pounding  on his door. He begrudgingly got up and opened it..

There standing outside, was a riled Texas Highway Patrolman. “Hey, buddy!” The man shouted, “Your tire’s on far.”

My friend tried to translate what the guy was saying. He could make no sense of it.  Being a Texan, he got the “far” part. Far was “fire.” Perfectly good West Texas patois.

Was the man telling him his tires were on fire?  How could that be…his tires?

“Come on outchere and see fer yerseff.” The man insisted. My friend walked out and then saw what the fuss was about. His Tower was on fire.

Being a young ex high school football player, he grabbed  an extinguisher, shinnied up the tower and snuffed out the far without calling the Far Department., miles away. 

Don’t be alarmed. I am not going to return to the air and  fuh…uh…muck things up with a talk show. I am talent coaching several large market radio stations, but am resisting poisoning the minds of my talented charges with my brand of lateral thinking.

   How did we get into this mess?

                                      Shite Happens.