Radio: A Holy Union of problem and solution, labor and love.

I forget which; either Plato, Pluto, or Randy Michaels
 

There’s the one where Abe died and all of his family and friends are gathered at the funeral. The Rabbi addresses the bereft group, “Is there someone here who would like to say a few last words about our dear departed Abe?”  

Paralyzed by grief, none can speak. Weeping and wailing rents the air.  

Finally, an outsider, a huge man with a 48 inch waist, who has been leaning against his Escalade, with Texas Long Horns mounted on its hood, ambles to the front, and lays his 10 gallon hat on Abe’s casket. He faces the stricken mourners for a moment then says, “Well,  seein’ as how ain’t nobody gonna say nuthin ’bout ol’Abe here…. I’d like to say a few words  about Texas.” 

If I had been there instead of  “Tex,” I would have had  a few words to say about radio.” 

Moving on… 

My experience is: It’s okay to talk over the intros and outro’s of the music.

Playing 17 songs an hour and using 10 seconds over the intro and 10 second after, one gains  5+ minutes for Time Signals, Traffic, Weather and other of the basic services of a morning show without invading the core of the slot. The key is to dramatize the intros and outros in the mood of the song. Calls for a little “theater,” but that’s part of the fun. 

By freeing the time, I was able to break another rule of a music format.…

1, Bringing in the Pandas from China to this country, and to…

2. Triple the cruise business in San Diego liberating thousands of my listeners from        beginning and  ending their cruises in Ensenada, Mexico, instead of  San Diego.

3. Spearhead the creation of Charter Schools in San Diego.

4. Accomplish sweeping community services too numerous to mention.

                       All of the above without sacrificing ratings. 

I conceived the “clock” below to create a template rescuing either an archaic Oldies or Pop Standards format by putting it on a time line to broaden the music.  

An Overview: I ran two commercial 60’s in a slot, and was often able to get in several isolated 90 second live adlibs per hour at premium rates. Total 13 commercial minutes, more if necessary.

 

I bear in mind that there are other good ways to do it. There are many paths toward salvation. I chose this …

                                HAPPY HARE’S  M &M* CLOCK

  Never more than 2 minutes away from Music.

                  Or more than 7 and a half minutes away from Money           

 

0000 - 0200  6a-7a-8a  TOP OF THE HOUR  HEADLINES, TRAFFIC AND WEATHER

0200 - 0300                 1 Premium Priced 60, or Live Adlib 

                                                  MUSIC

0300 – 1030                                                                3 Songs

 

1030 – 1230                2 60’s or a Live  90’Adlib

 

1230 – 1800                                                                2 Songs

 

1800 - 2000                 2 60’s or a Live  90’Adlib

 

2000 – 2730                                                                3 Songs

 

2730 – 2930                2 60’s or a  Live  90’ Adlib

 

2930 -  3500                                                                 2 Songs

 

3500 – 3700                2 60’s or a Live  90’Adlib

 

3700 – 4230                                                                 2 Songs

 

4230 – 4430                2 60’s or a Live  90’Adlib

 

4430 –5200                                                                  3  Songs

 

5200 – 5400                2 60’s or a Live  90’Adlib

 

5400 - 6000                                                                  2 Songs and Bumper

          -------------------------------------------------------

                                    7  Commercial slots                 17  SONGS

                            (Up to 13+  commercial minutes)

 

*Each 2 x 60’s slot can be  replaced by a single premium rated  60’

or

  Each 2 x 60s slot can be replaced by a Live 90 second Adlib @ the 2 x 60’s rate.

                                                  *Money & Music 

 

Here is a typical set.   

We begin with my coming out of a song in the set prior to the one when I am going to do a “bit.” 

Outro coming out of Frank Sinatra “Fly Me To The Moon.”

“That was Frank on FM 103 at 8:20  with “Fly Me to the Moon.

Song ends.   

Hare:   I’m feeling frisky this morning. I feel like solving someone’s problems. How about it?  Anybody got anything that ‘s bugging them? Call me at 1 800 555 5555. Call now. Operators, mainly me, are taking your calls. Call me. Any problem. Make it a tough one. Lay it on me. 1 800 555 5555. 

2 commercial 60’s, separated by an Audio Logo, and a live “tease.” 

Intro: “Mercy Mercy” by Canonball Adderly, repeat the phone  # for the problem “bit.”. 

Play “Mercy Mercy” and come in over the fading strains of the song.

I back-announce song, do the Time, etc etc. 

Song ends 

Hare:   Wow! Lots of phone calls coming. Let’s take line  #22.  Hi there. It’s Hare. 

Caller               Is this Happy Hare?     (Voice disguised)

Hare                 Yes

Caller               I heard you say that you could solve any problem. Is that any  problem?

Hare:                Yeah. What’s happening?

Caller               Well, I was in my garden when I seen this MEDfly, Happy Hare and she’s…..pregnant. She’s so cute.  I even gave her a name. Say hello, Bertha.

Bertha              (SFX,  sounds like a fart)

Hare                 Hello Bertha                                                                             \

Caller:              You gotta help me, Happy Hare

Hare:                Well I don’t think I ever solved a pregnant medfly problem before. Is she in pain?

Caller               No, I gave her some MEDiprin. But, I don’t know what to do about her.

                        And when the neighbors heard about her, they started to demand that I swat her.  But, she’s a mother and all.  I don’t know what to do.

Bertha:             SFX   (Down-hearted fart sound)

Hare:                She sounds depressed. I think She needs to get away. Give her a  trip. I know. Call Club MED.

Caller:              (Indignant) That’s not funny.

Bertha              (SFX)  (Indignant)

Hare:                I’m sorry, but I don’t have  any idea about what to do for a  pregnant MEDfly.

Caller:              I thought maybe you could give me the name of someone who could help deliver her baby.

Hare:                I never heard of anyone who could deliver Medfly babies.

Caller:              I think they call ‘em MEDwives.

Bertha              Disgusted bug SFX  fart sound)

Hare:                Wait a minute. Something’s wrong here….. NOW, I recognize that voice. It’s Regis Philbin ………. Regis!  (Do short interview with Regis) 

I thank Regis for taking the time during a break on his “Live with Regis” show to congratulate me, on camera, for my induction into the Radio/Television Broadcasters  Hall of Fame of Ohio, which was shown at the Hall of Fame ceremony in Ohio. 

There is one rule that I tend to honor, agreeing with major programmers that jokes about politics are dangerous. One bunch of listeners will find them funny while you turn off another large group, or worse, they turn you off. 

I am leery of this coming election, anyway. For the first time in history, there is a major woman, a major black, and a Mormon. Which way do you go? Unless you split the difference and vote, not for Hillary, or Barack, or Mitt, but…Gladys Knight, who is all three. (Can be an intro into a song of hers) 

The Happy Hare Gutsball Hall of Fame Award goes to…

Cecil Cisneros. The semanticist who coined the word “lisp,” to describe those people who can’t pronounce their s’s. 

The new feature “Lap Dancing with the Stars” has been postponed till further notice. 

Next week, I will enter the “Virtual” Control Room and do an hour, complete with music selection.